


Prize roses and a biscuit

by Etalice



Series: Drarropoly 2019 [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: And Blaise/Lavender, Background Pansy/Luna, Endgame Drarry, Epistolary, Humour, Light crack, M/M, Secret diary of a gnome, gnome pov, hopefully, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:34:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21821515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Etalice/pseuds/Etalice
Summary: Our burrow is getting crowded. Aunt Gnomina will not stop talking my ears off. Decided on digging a new burrow by the cabbage patch. Dug ten inches. Took a nap in the hole. Good day.There is a gnome in the garden. He digs a burrow, has a biscuit and delivers a letter. Meanwhile, Harry Potter is desperate to win back the heart of his ex-boyfriend and owner of aforementioned garden, Draco Malfoy.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Lavender Brown/Blaise Zabini, Luna Lovegood/Pansy Parkinson
Series: Drarropoly 2019 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1563085
Comments: 38
Kudos: 175
Collections: Drarropoly 2.0 - A Drarry Game/Fest





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> _There's been an influx in Gnome infestations across all of Britain. Choose either 1) Harry/Draco degnoming for the other ~~-OR- 2) The couple that de-gnomes together...~~_
> 
> As always, I blame [Andithiel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andithiel/) who suggested we write together and assured me the monstrosity below was funny and worthy of publication. She's a gem.

**Monday**

Ate some roots. Had a nap. Productive day.

**Tuesday**

Our burrow is getting crowded. Aunt Gnomina will not stop talking my ears off. Decided on digging a new burrow by the cabbage patch. Dug ten inches. Took a nap in the hole. Good day.

**Wednesday**

Dug another few inches. Had a nap. Blond nuisance came out today and made quite a racket. Thought my ears were going to fall from the yelling. Strongly dislike him.

**Thursday**

Finished digging my new burrow. Great-uncle Gnomer went on a three-hour tangent about how they used to dig burrows back in his day. Bit his arm to make him stop. Did not see blond nuisance today.

**Friday**

New nuisance in the yard today. Black-haired. Poked about my burrow so I bit him. Very satisfying. Hope he will not come again.

**Saturday**

The black-haired nuisance is back! He caught aunt Gnomina and swung her around before chucking her over the garden wall. An entertaining sight. Tried to catch me but failed. Noticed he was wearing gloves, this time.

**Sunday**

Black-haired nuisance came again. Caught uncle Gnomas and cousin Gnolivia and threw them over the fence. Very frustrating. Would not have gone to the bother of digging a new burrow, had I known the old one would get empty. Peed in the prize roses as retaliation.

**Monday**

Blond nuisance came into the yard today. Yelled so loud that even deaf old great-grandpa Gnoctavius ran back underground. Did not understand what the yelling was about: Blond nuisance went nowhere near the prize roses. Black-haired nuisance yelled too. Very bad day. Strongly dislike both of them.

**Tuesday**

Black-haired nuisance did not yell today. Watched him knock on all the doors and windows. Very silly of him. No gnomes hide there. When he could not find a single gnome, he sat on the lawn and made dreadful sounds. Came out of my hole to investigate. The big, dumb oaf had his head in his hands and kept repeating how he just wanted Draco to forgive him. Very annoying. Bit his boot to make him stop. Did not work but was rather satisfying. Will bite the blond one’s wellies next time he forgets them outside.

Later: 

Have changed my mind about the black-haired one. When I decided to climb up his leg, he did not swing me all dizzy and throw me over the fence. Instead, he gave me a biscuit. He said some things about a man named Draco who would not listen to him. The biscuit was very good so I did not bite him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Owlpost from Malfoy Manor, Tuesday, June 13th, 5:42 pm**

Potter,

If you show up on my lawn once again, I will call the Aurors on you.

You are no longer welcome here, and there is no amount of degnoming that will make me forget what you did.

Let it go. Move on. I did.

Draco

* * *

**Owlpost from Malfoy Manor, Tuesday, June 13th, 5:43 pm**

Pansy! Would you believe who came into my garden today under the pretence of degnoming my lawn???

**Owlpost from Malfoy Manor, Tuesday, June 13th, 5:55 pm**

Pansy! Where are you? 

**Owlpost from Malfoy Manor, Tuesday, June 13th, 5:58 pm**

Pansy, please answer.

**Owlpost from Malfoy Manor, Tuesday, June 13th, 6:02 pm**

PANSY! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!

**Owlpost from Malfoy Manor, Tuesday, June 13th, 6:05 pm**

PANSY!

**Owlpost from Malfoy Manor, Tuesday, June 13th, 6:08 pm**

PANSY!

**Owlpost from Malfoy Manor, Tuesday, June 13th, 6:11 pm**

PANSY!!

**Owlpost from** **_The Wand and Wizard_ _Inn_** **, Tuesday, June 13th, 6:25 pm**

Draco, are you going to be pestering my girlfriend every time your ex shows up at your door? I’m not averse to it, but if you are, I will be having a word with Harry. We need to work out a schedule for his lovelorn break-downs so Pansy and I can go out on dates without a flurry of owls losing feathers all over our food.

Love,

Luna

PS: I don’t think Pansy’s very happy. She says you’re to bother Blaise. Something about stopping him from making the worst decision of his life.

* * *

**Owlpost from Malfoy Manor, Tuesday, June 13th, 6:35 pm**

Blaise, are you doing anything tonight?

**Owlpost from** **_La Fourchette Enchantée: Fine French Dining_ ** **, Tuesday, June 13th, 7:02 pm**

Piss off, Draco. You know full well I’m on a date with Lavender tonight. If Pansy put you up to this, she will pay. If this is about Potter, _again_ , try talking to him like an actual adult instead of whining like an idiot.

* * *

**Owlpost from 12 Grimmauld Place, Tuesday, June 13th, 7:48 pm.** **  
** **Status: return to sender**

Draco,

I know you won’t open this letter. I don’t even know why I keep writing. Hope, I imagine. Stupid, stupid hope. Love, too. So much love. Love really does make fools out of us.

I don’t know how to explain everything to you. I’ve never been good with words, have I? It’s what got us into this mess in the first place.

I love you, Draco. I’ve loved you for longer than I’ve known. I’m fairly sure I was in love with you in sixth-year when I followed you around all the time. I might have been in love with you before that. 

And it doesn’t even matter. What matters is that it was real when you kissed me by the frozen lake. What matters is that I took your hand, and I gave you my entire heart and my entire soul, and I fought for you, Draco. I really did. I still would, if only you gave me a second chance.

I’m not the marrying kind, Draco. You’ve got to understand that. I’ve been bound to too many people already, everyone’s always expected so much of me that I’ve never really felt free to chose my path in life. I wish I could have accepted your ring. I wish I could have worn it, I wish I could have been happy about it. I can’t — and in a way, this is also something that’s been stolen from me. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with you.

You’re the only person I’ve ever been this in love with. You’re the only person I’ve ever bared my entire soul to. You’re the only person I can imagine myself with.

And I don’t know how to tell you that. How to make you understand.

I love you, Draco. I will forever love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Harry


	3. Chapter 3

**Thursday**

The blond one came out today. Puttered in the prize roses for a while. Black-haired friend was nowhere to be seen. Very disappointed: would have liked another biscuit. I like those rather better than roots.

**Friday**

New human in the garden, today. Long blond hair and smells like food or flowers or both. Her name is “mother”. Sat on the lawn with the blond-haired nuisance and spoke a lot. Did not yell, but also did not give me a biscuit. Unsure whether I like her. Said the word “Draco”. I have heard that word before. Feels like it has significance.

**Sunday**

Remembered where I heard the word “Draco”. My biscuit-bearing friend kept talking about a Draco who did not listen. Am beginning to suspect it refers to the blond-haired nuisance. If it is true, he is the one keeping the biscuit-giving human out of the garden. Unsure whether I should exact revenge. Have nibbled on his gardening gloves, just to be on the safe side.

**Monday**

The friend is back. I ran to him, and he rewarded me with a piece of fudge. I love him. He talked while I was eating. I did not listen. He left a parchment on the doorstep. Blond-haired immediately threw it away.

**Tuesday**

Investigated the parchment. It is full of words. Strongly dislike those. Nibbled the corner. Did not taste as good as fudge. Lost interest and dug up five carrots from the vegetable patch instead. Boring day. Would like another treat.

**Wednesday**

Have had an idea. Will make blond-haired read the parchment so my friend will come back. Have talked cousin Gnorothy and great-grandma Gneodora into helping me. They will make noise until maybe-Draco comes out and then I will run and place the parchment inside his home. 

**Thursday**

Cousin Gnorothy found the noise button next to the door and threw rocks at it until maybe-Draco came out. Dragged parchment inside and left it on the floor. Took maybe-Draco’s scarf and heaped it on top, so he would see. Bit a small hole in it too. Cashmere and silk. Very satisfying but not as tasty as fudge. Strongly dislike human burrows: nowhere to dig. Was happy to get back out.


	4. Chapter 4

Harry,

I am not going to ask how you got into my home. I am also not going to ask why the letter you left is full of teeth marks and smells like gnome. 

It is an entirely absurd way of harassing your ex, and of course, no one but you would ever [words smudged]

Harry,

Fuck you. Fuck you for making me feel like I do. Fuck you for making it impossible for me not to love you when you went and rejected me. Rejected me, Harry. Do you have any idea how that feels? I loved you so much. I loved you. I still do. I can’t stop loving you. [words angrily traced.]

Harry,

[left blank]

* * *

**Owlpost from Malfoy Manor, Thursday, June 22nd, 3:35 pm**

Pansy, if you’re not on a date, can we talk? Potter left me a note in the middle of my living room, and possibly bit a hole into my nice scarf, and wrote about the proposal debacle, and—he still loves me, Pansy. He still loves me. I have no idea how I feel about that. 

I’m sorry I’ve pestered you. You’re my best friend. I really need you, right now.

**Owlpost from Parkinson Manor, Thursday, June 22nd, 3:49 pm**

I’m coming through the Floo and you’re telling me everything.

* * *

**Owlpost from Parkinson Manor, Thursday, June 22nd, 8:17 pm**

Harry,

Fuck you. Fuck you for making me feel like I do. Fuck you for making it impossible for me not to love you when you went a rejected me. Rejected me, Harry. Do you have any idea how that feels? I loved you so much. I loved you. I still do. I can’t stop loving you. [words angrily traced.]

* * *

**Thursday**

Black-haired friend came back! Held a piece of crumpled paper and yelled very loud and banged against the door. Great-grandma Gneodora almost had a heart attack, but it scared away the large frog that was trying to eat cousin Gnolanthe.

Blond-haired came out and started yelling too. Then, he read the piece of paper and yelled some more, but not at black-haired friend anymore. (Side note: I would not like to be Pansy, the cow, the bitch, the traitor, who will die many painful deaths.)

After a lot of yelling, blond-haired and black-haired made water come out of their eyes and joined hands. Then, they engaged in the human ritual of licking each other’s mouth. Very entertaining, we all came out to watch. Cousin Gnorothy said it is how human babies are made. If it is true, I hope the new human will give me biscuits too.

* * *

**Owlpost from Malfoy Manor, Monday, June 26th, 10:10 pm**

Hermione,

I was wondering if the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures might be interested in passing a law to make degnoming illegal. I have first-hand proof that gnomes are actually intelligent and benevolent creatures, and it seems cruel to pluck them from their homes and throw them about. Floo me so we can discuss it.

Love you,

Harry


End file.
